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God’s Less Posh Waiting Room

October 11th, 2010 by the_lifer
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Most days, Will chooses to disremember his Etekahuna boyhood. Still, every good bloke calls home on his Mum’s birthday, even if a tongue lashing awaits. Will got off fairly lightly, with “we’ll see you at Christmas, won’t we?” and “if you’ve got a car, go visit your Nan, she’s in a home in the Hutt now.”

It’s the Kapiti coast that’s a byword for retirement in Wellington, nicknamed God’s Waiting Room, but its retirement lodges cater to the affluent. Wellington city itself is sprinkled with retirement flats for the well-off and compos mentis. For everyone else, the retirement homes of the Hutt await, government subsidized, a little shabby, but well meaning.

That is how Will and Winona came to spend Sunday afternoon perched on old chairs in a Naenae “residence”. Winona, shaken by a senility sighting on the way in, is quiet. She peeps around Nan’s room, very small, very pink and 70s. Nan, in her 70s herself, is bundled on the tiny single bed, frail and bright-eyed under her afghans, well-informed about current events. Will is surprised about this until she says, “Of course I am. We watch telly all day. You haven’t got a mayor yet, have you?”

Will says, “No, Nan,” as if confessing that he hasn’t done his homework.

Nan nods. “It’s just like when I was younger. Votes were votes. They’d never have called it until all the votes were in then. Politics hasn’t been the same since they voted in Muldoon, it’s been downhill ever since.”

Will manages not to laugh and shoots a glance at Winona. But she misses it; she is glancing at Nan’s medication timetable, pinned up on the wall next to Will’s sun-faded sixth form school picture. Suddenly, brightly, she says, “We should take you out to lunch next weekend. Maybe high tea! Would you like that, Nan?”

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Wellywood Magic

October 8th, 2010 by the_lifer
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Meanwhile, up the coast, Frankie, recently made redundant from Winona’s office, is dealing with the challenges of her new vocation. With her redundancy payout and a little loan on her little house,  yearning to be free of an office in late middle age, she has started up her own business. Everyone who visits her cleverly restored cottage exclaims over the “painted lady” exterior and goes into raptures over the blue sky ceiling, complete with white clouds, in her hallway. So she has hung out her shingle as “Frankie’s Friezes – Stencils, Murals, Paintwork Plus!”

The first wave of clients were disappointing. Friends, or friends of friends, they all expected a “mate’s rate.” Which, now that she sees how much her business overheads are, isn’t very matey. She must be the only person glad about the GST and fuel price increase, it allows her to stand firm on prices. Nobody’s offended, but she hasn’t had a lot of work, either.

Which is how she comes to be standing in a large house in Hataitai. There’s no furniture, but the house is full of the overweening ego and booming voice of its obsessive new owner. Frankie is wondering how much it’s worth to her to be bullied when her mobile rings. For a moment’s respite, knowing it’s rude, she takes the call.

Will she work in the Wairarapa? She supposes so. It’s to add the decorative flillips to a large Edwardian-style house, can that be arranged? It’s her specialty. Is she all right signing a confidentiality agreement?

Frankie raises her eyebrows. Can it be…she’s not sure, but…

When the brief call is done, she turns to the already-difficult client. “I’m ever so sorry. I do believe that was Peter Jackson’s people.”

The client’s mouth loses her frown lines, opening in a perfect O.  Frankie could care less about celebrity, but she recognizes that malady in other people, and seizes the day. “If we start here soon, I can still fit you in.”

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Her Vote

October 6th, 2010 by the_lifer
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You were going to vote in the local council elections. You really meant to. New mayor, and all. As you came through the door, the fat envelope was on the doorstep, full of the absurd candidate profiles and the precious ballot. Then your mobile rang, or you were really hungry for the takeaway in your hands, or you started thinking about seeing your ex who you were nearly over draping himself around a stunning woman. And you forgot to complete the twentieth-century act of mailing an envelope.

Then it’s the 7th and you never did vote. Rugby jackboots flatten Wellington beneath their heedless tourist feet, rates and health care go through the roof, Cuba Street is sold to Westfield Malls, and it is ALL YOUR FAULT because you didn’t vote.

With this dire scenario in mind, Willow is scrabbling through her mail pile, looking for her ballot. “Wazzer?” she asks her flatmate. “Did you see the voting ballots in the mail?”

“Yeah, mate, I put ’em with the other house mail.” Wazzer points to a tidy stack of bills.

Willow blushes. “Oh! Thanks! I’m sorry…if I didn’t have my head attached I’d forget it…I’ve just been so…”

Wazzer listens, patiently, as Willow spills her tale of woe, about seeing her malicious ex with his hooks in another woman.

“I only know her a little because I saw her at Win’s party. D’you think I should warn her? He was so dire.” She blinks her blue eyes.

Wazzer taps her teeth, thinking. “Well. You could just let them go out. And see what happens.”

Willow pulls her ballot from the stack of bills and goes off to find a pen, brow crumpled.

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Not The Usual Modus Operandi

October 4th, 2010 by the_lifer
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Winona looked out over the sparkling, glassy bay, then at the pure blue sky. Face upturned, squinting, she murmurs, “Who are you? And what have you done with our Wellington spring?”

The usual modus operandi is that Wellington’s springtime lags, after a burst of September enthusiasm. It dawdles in the rain; it forgets to put away the Southerly chill.  School holidays are especially dire. Wellingtonians are thereby able to focus on the terribly serious business of running the country in the best evenly grey bureaucratic style.

One fine spring day doesn’t break this cycle, especially on a Friday. A glorious weekend that previews summer might be just a seasonal taunt. The promise of an equally glorious week to come, and a very warm spring overall, threatens the status quo. Will Wellingtonians be happy to scuttle to the cultural capital’s basement galleries, dark cinemas, and windowless bars when the silvery sun shines? Might a new efficiency sweep the offices, to clear the decks for the weekend and to ensure uninterrupted holidays? Would the polarfleece and the dark, eclectic woolens be cast off for good and all, instead of hauled about like security blankets?

In short, if global warming brought this burg reliable fine weather, would we turn into…Auckland?

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Mad On Wheels

October 1st, 2010 by the_lifer
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Happy Fare Increase Day, Wellington! Public transportation prices are rocketing up. The trains are more irregular than ever, alternating between sleek 21st-century carriages and third-world dysfunction. Will’s corner of his office is smug in the face of his these difficulties. Will and his seating colleagues have the Wellington transportation solution trifecta between them. Will walks to work. The others have their solution on two wheels.

On one side of him sits Mad Biker Randy. Randy rides a beat-up Japanese motorcycle on the motorway, gloating as he nips through standstill traffic from the Hutt Valley to downtown. Rain or shine, his machine’s mighty farts wake all the neighbors at seven as he chugs off. (What else do you expect, sighs one of them, from a guy who still calls himself Randy?) The neighbors get a respite about once a month when some malfunction puts the bike out of commission for a week and Randy’s wife drops him off in her minivan. As soon as he gets the bike back, Randy considers himself wild and free once more.

At the other desk – or in the side lane of that same motorway – is Mad Cyclist Andy. Fifty years ago, sinewy, monkey-faced Andy would have been handpicked as a jockey. Today he urges on a bicycle as temperamental as a racehorse, spending most of his lunchtimes covered in axle grease as he fossicks with a persistent brake issue. The problem is unsolvable; few bicycles are made for the rigors of commuting up and down the Ngauranga Gorge’s 40-degree incline each day.

Both men were at their schadenfreude peak on Thursday after a train derailment shut down one of the trains. “It’s terrible,” they agreed. “It’s a situation. Need better disaster planning. All right for us, tough old boots, know what we’re doing, but what about old ladies, eh?” Then they stumped off to their respective finicky transports, grinning in anticipation at a ride home in the bracing rain, their riding gear tight as straitjackets.

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The People’s Choice

September 27th, 2010 by the_lifer
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Winona and Will went to City Market this morning and have just enjoyed the illusion of cooking. After unwrapping and plating their dinner, they are having a glass of wine, some cheese, and a discussion about the local body elections.

Their election paperwork is spread out on their retro coffee table. Who to vote for? It’s a fraught question, with the city poised on the edge of inconvenient, yet money-making, Rugby World Cup events of 2011.  Will has decided that meaningless “Elect Me! Here Are  My Name and Face! What Else Do You Need?” signs annoy him, so he has gone around town snapping camera phone pictures of them. He is going through them now, making up a list of who not to vote for.

Will and Winona both agree that the current mayor is out of touch with the Wellington zeitgeist. But Will has to admit, reluctantly, that her signs avoid the “What Else Do You Need?” pitfall with actual statements about her policy. She has also done a good job of nicking his favorite candidate’s strongest points. “But I’m going to vote for him instead, anyway. As a statement. She’s totally in the building industry’s pocket. Just look at all the new buildings that have gone up while we were away.”

Winona blushes. “Oh. I rather like the new buildings…still, d’you notice the big diamond necklace she wears in a lot of her photographs? What I don’t get are these District Health Board candidates. Why are we voting for them at all? We’re not doctors, or nurses, and neither are half of them. More wine?”

p.s. If you send The Lifer your “Elect Me! Here Are My Name and Face! You Need Know Nothing Of My Policy!” sign photos, I’ll post them.

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World of Wearable Arts

September 24th, 2010 by the_lifer
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As a lover of clothes and style, Winona had a brainwave. She would be a volunteer for the World of Wearable Arts, get a free ticket to the show, and have the chance to see what Wellington looks like when it dresses up.  Asked if she wanted to be a backstage dresser, or to sell programs at the front of the house, she picked the latter.

The glittering plastic top hat she was given to wear gave her instant hat-head. The full-colour program is huge and sleek. Her program-selling companion seems nice, but they barely had any time to talk before hordes of Wellingtonians began to stream through the doors for opening night.

There they are, the women of Wellington with their glad rags on, their black or blonde hair ironed or tousled, their lipstick vivid or deliberately foregone. Some of them are wearing red and black, others a black top over the colorful skirt, two outfits that say “I don’t get out much.” Others are in full evening wear; even if it is not the cutting edge of fashion, it looks good. Here is a lovely fifteen-year-old, trembling with joy in her first evening outfit. There is a group of older women; expensive black flows around them, their hair gleams in architectural bobs, real jewels flash with their assertive light. Most typically Kiwi of all is the young couple coming up the stairs. She is beautiful, in a crinoline-skirted vintage dress and immaculate red lips. He is handsome, but, having consented to come to the event, has balked at wearing anything but his favorite jeans and T-shirt.

Last of all, Winona sees her mother and a few of her girlfriends come up the stairs. “Would you like to buy a – Mummy! You were supposed to wait and buy your program from me!”

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The Inevitable

September 21st, 2010 by the_lifer
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Willow had gone into her favorite cafe that Tuesday morning with a spring in her step. She’d had a lovely time at Nerdnite on Monday – oh, the heaven of going out in the evening as a nerd and having it be a good thing. The latest round of budgetary threats at her government department turned out to be hot air.   A colleague had asked her to collaborate on a paper. She felt chic, for once, in her cobalt tunic and leggings. And then, it happened. Like a fish to the face, an arrow to the heart, curdling in the cream: there was her ex.

Louche and handsome as ever, Wayland didn’t see her, at first. He was leaning towards the lovely woman at the same table, showing her something on an iPad.

It had to happen sometime, Wellington being so small.  Willow has heard of breakups including negotiations about who got which bar, which restaurant, which cafe. Why hadn’t she thought of that? At least she looked all right But her blue tunic faded before the sleek daring of the sapphire-blue locks that Wayland’s companion toyed with, flirtatiously. If they were together so early in the morning, Wayland never a morning person, that must mean, that had to mean –

Caught looking, Willow lost her courage. She gives a wavering smile and a little wave, and dashes away without her coffee.

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If That Cake Could Talk, It Would Say “Oy”

September 20th, 2010 by the_lifer
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Winona is just finishing her guilty Monday-morning Facebook check at work when Jennifer, the loud part-time American, comes up to her. No need to minimize her browser so hastily, she sees. Jennifer is brandishing a plate.

“Hi! Wasn’t it a gorgeous weekend!” Jennifer half-yells. “I brought in some babka from Yom Kippur!”

Winona’s brow creases. “Yom? I don’t know him. Is it his birthday?”

Jennifer stops smiling. “It’s a Jewish holiday. It was this Saturday.”

“Oh! I hope it was lots of fun!” What did she say wrong? Jennifer, always transparent, looks stricken. Winona remembers what it was to be far from home, feeling out of sync with Londoners, trying to explain why biscuits with cornflakes in them were a treat.  What has Jennifer folded up in that rippled cake along with the cinnamon and butter? “I’m so sorry, I don’t know much about it, and I’d love to. Do you have a minute to tell me?”

Twenty minutes later, Winona is feeling smug again. Fancy voluble, flighty-seeming Jennifer taking a day to fast and meditate.  Though the dinner afterward sounded scrumptious. Perhaps she should go to church sometime, she hasn’t been in years…even so, Winona’s very proud of for catching herself and not saying, “So, it’s like Ramadan then?”

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Roastless

September 13th, 2010 by the_lifer
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Will found himself, on Sunday night, left to his own devices. Winona has been away for three days and wouldn’t be back for two more. It was raining. He could smell the neighbors’ dinner, spaghetti bolognaise. His phone was silent. The possibilities of the Internet were exhausted. Loneliness seeped under the doors with the cold draft.

Briefly, he considers that this is what Sunday must be like for all the singletons in the city. The loneliest night, without the distractions of yoga class or professional meet-ups. Knowing that all your married friends are having their Sunday roasts.

Fending off further introspection, Will texted Ulrika. Hey mate, what’s up? Busy?

There’s enough of a delay that he goes and rummages around in the kitchen cupboards. Just as he’s pouring hot water over a brick of Korean beef noodles, her reply comes. Got a date! Talk tomorrow.

A date? On a Sunday? With whom? Sunday night – whoever it is, it’s serious.

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